The Closet Jock/Ego King

What do the Quarterback of your high school and The Intellectual have in common? Answer: They’re fucking. Some tutoring session gone incredibly off track, midnight messages across myspace, or for some unforeseen reason they where both at the same party and where both “way drunk,” whatever the cause, the two are fucking. The Ego King has pictures of himself either almost naked or full frontal on his phone, his skanks’ phones, his computer, and probably a few websites, he willingly shows these to anyone who ask, and is willing to show the real thing in public, even during chemistry if asked. The worship of his bad jokes, good body and huge dick is the only food besides protein shakes this beast really needs. However, underneath all of those muscles and fag jokes is something ironic, a relationship with the Ego King may be more then you’ve barged for. While in some cases they are exactly as they appear, more often then not you’re life will quickly become an after school special, “the bully with a heart of gold, unable to express himself and be who he wants to be because of ______ and_____and football.” These emotionally troubled teens can be hard to decode and understand and sometimes not worth it, but like all other queers, and people in general, one should give them time and a little respect, you never know when the Closet Jock is going to write you’re the best letter you’ve ever read and mean every word of it.

The Straight-Walker

The Straight Walker is an anomaly in the queer kingdom. This guy plays moderate sports, is very smart, semi-popular and has a great smile, and they’re a total fag-but you don’t know that! You might suspect them but you’re never entirely sure, maybe you’re gaydar is getting interference from a gay weather balloon and from their American Eagle jeans. This is possibly the hardest queer to pick out in high school. While he does always have girls around him, none of them are ever his girlfriend, but none of them are the typical “fag-hag,” instead they’re cheerleaders, the hotter half of the soccer team and volley ball players. He might flirt with you, but you might dismiss it as you’re gay ego re-interpreting “do you have a pencil?” for “can I have your dick?” A word of the wise, don’t blow off these Straight Walkers entirely, you’ll always need straight friends(If nothing else then to play match maker around homecoming and prom), but don’t fall for them, in the cases where you’re wrong and they’re simply very VERY metro-sexual, things tend to end messy.

The Anime Fag

The Anime Fag is easy to spot. They want you to notice them, the want the attention. They’re the ones in the lunch room, wearing “kandies,” goggles, fingerless gloves, fishnets and/or a trench coat. Their long dirty hair is pulled back into a ponytail that some girl is probably tugging at. You’ll eventually hear from them screaming and whining and other high pitched noises. Avoid them. Avoid them in person. Avoid them online. Avoid them at all cost. Even the most attractive of them has some sort of “ugly duckling syndrome” where they think they’re still the gangly awkward seventh grader with thick glasses, even though they’ve “blossomed” into a tall, ripped stud with contacts, don’t avoid them on principal, avoid them because even though this attractive jr. with a surprisingly amazing body is 17 year old, they are still going to act like the same awkward, smelly, flabby seventh grader that was playing with Japanese trading cards all lunch. They’ve also spent the last 3 years dating like the nasty, blind mole child they where. In these 3 years they’ve racked up experience points and evolved into a hunk…with STDs. Avoid for your own good, both mentally, emotionally and physically.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't get married, Don't drink

There is talk about repealing "dont' ask, don't tell."
This would guarentee me the right to:
Vote
Die for my country
get married to whom i choose
drink
Move to Canada

Pump'n'Go

Not only is Pump’n’Go and adjective, it’s also a role. Pump’N’Go is synonymous with Gay Slut. This is the village tricycle, one of the wheels is broken, it’s pink and has streamers, and every male who enjoys pink and hard rides has driven it around a little. The Pump’n’Go is probably the only queer you really shouldn’t hold grudges against in high school, especially if you are queer. This is because they’ve probably done something with you, or something with someone who you’ve been with. They know all the intimate details and horrible secrets of your physic. They should also be counted as a friend because they know everything about everyone and are possibly sleeping with one of your teachers. However do not keep this person too close, close enough to be good acquaintances but not close enough for either party to develop feeling for each other (see last man on earth scenario).

The Bad Boy-Type 2

“I’m so done with this place,” the motto of Bad Boy Type 2. Bad Boy Type 2, even though they dropped out after freshman year knows a few things. They know what they want and how they’re going to get it, or rather they think they know what they want and how to get that but in reality what they really want is attention. They act up, “I’m not going to do this,” quit early, “This is stupid, Fuck this place,” and think they are better then you, “Well Excuse me,” This slightly overweight and attention whoring child will never realize that if they had just put their pride aside their life would have been better. Bad Boy Type 2 tends to become romantically involved with older men. Much older. They move out of their house at a young age, whining about legal emancipation and how their parents don’t “get them.” The Bad Boy Type 2, wants you to think that they hate their family, but really they simply have daddy issues. Their horrible attitude and disposition (and dating habits) push away the family members and concerned friends that they have, instead searching for solace in drugs, alcohol and men that are at least twice their age. Don’t try to tell the Bad Boy Type 2 any of this either, “YOU JUST DON’T GET ME. THIS IS THE REAL WORLD! OK?”

The Bad Boy-Type 1

The Bad Boy Type 1 is otherwise known as the druggie queer. When in need of weed, x, acid, coke, special K, beer or hard A…while at school, Bad Boy Type 1 is who you go to. The Pump’n’Go for your school’s party circuit, like the village bicycle, everyone has had a ride, very few are discriminated against. Not only has the Druggie Queer “been” with everyone, they’ve also tried everything. He is in fact the person your mother warns you about and you secretly pine after. Occasionally the two of you make eye contact in your schools office, they’re about to be given detention, or be suspended, or expelled (again) and you’re looking into scholarship information. A quick nod and hello turn into a lustful glance exchanged. He smiles knowing what you’re thinking, you fumble for words to tell him to either call you or to grow up but end up uttering out a “heh-hi,” then walk head first into a wall. Something about this dirt bag is attractive and that same thing that makes him attractive makes him disgusting. Don’t be afraid of the Bad Boy Type 1, but remember to use protection because it is not their first time, no mater what they say.

The Art-Fag

When you’re parents where in High School there was only one kind of Art-Fag. He smoked a ton of pot, made “incense burners” in ceramics, marched in band and acted in the play. The punching bag and pump’n’go for jocks, he has since evolved into 3 separate types of Art-Fag, 3 sub categories are: the Dancing Queen, Drama Queen and Music Fag.
Dancing Queen
The Dancing Queen, well, dances. He claims to be straight, at least in jr. high eventually coming out of the closet or transferring to a different school, he is one of the few guys to be on the drill team/cheerleading squad. He can do the splits, kick above his head and his walk is best described as “fierce” “working it” and “floating around.”
“Drama Queen”
The Drama Queen is not a drama queen. Though plagued with drama (who baby dat? Who got the hook up?) the Drama Queen is the Drama Queen because as far as he is concerned he is the diva that makes your school’s acting department what it is. Without him a production would fail miserably. He is the best singer, best dancer, and best vocalist, best every-damn-thing your school has seen. Fear this diva; he’ll throw a Diana Ross style fit that will put the most heavily self-medicated drama teacher at wits end.
Music Fag
The Music Fag is similar in many aspects to both the Drama Queen and The Sista. This ball of energy is marching band, wind ensemble, jazz ensemble, small ensemble, pep band, and pit orchestra(or in cases of choir, Men’s ensemble, Chamber Choir, Jazz Choir, Small Ensemble, Barbershop Quartet, Chorus Line and sing the National Anthem at every sporting event possible). They’re always abuzz with drama that pertains to and is only interesting for other Band/Choir Nerds. Not only are they the Drama Queen and The Sista(who will tell you what you did wrong and how wrong it was, whether it was marching, singing, playing a certain note or even looking at them with ‘that look, yeah bitch that look’) but they are also the Pump’n’Go for the music department. If somebody in the music department is queer, they have touched this Music Fag in someway. Whether they used protection or not is a gamble. (whether anyone in the music department used protection is also a gamble so avoid all practice rooms/closets/music libraries/large cubbies/locker/ similar situations)
However there is a second kind of Music-Fag. The Gross Music-Fag. This over weight, greasy mess thinks they are hot shit and thinks they’re better then everyone, but really unbeknownst to them they are the butt of every joke told. This fat mess talks too much and listens too little. They don’t know their part or their place. If confronted by them sexually, run as fast as possible (they won’t be able to keep up anyway).

The Activist & The Nerd

The Activist
The Activist is easy to spot. Wearing all natural fibers, vegan friendly shoes and a rainbow somewhere on their person, this person is the president of the GSA and the founder of the Vegan club. They are the one hanging out Day of Silence posters; scream about gay rights (or lack there of) and at some point will boycott something/someone.

The Nerd
The Nerd, or The Queer Nerd is and entirely different animal then The Intellectual. Where The Intellectual possess some social skills, and does have friends (albeit only in their AP English and Chemistry classes) The Nerd doesn’t have a core group of friends, only two or three other nerds. He wears high socks in gym, wheezes and gasps for air and can be seen in his heavy winter weather coat at all times. People don’t suspect that he is gay, only weird, possibly mildly retarded. The only hint that The Nerd is queer is the 75 gigabytes of bear on twink, bareback, facial, glory hole, mild S&M, water sport, dirty-old-man-on-webcam porn on their computer.

The Intellectual

Well dressed, well read, clean and intelligent, The Intellectual, fellows, is the boy that your mother wishes you where more like and ladies, that boy your mother wishes you would bring home. This AP nerd’s eloquent speech is their own tragic flaw. Not only does everyone realize that no straight teenager would set aside time to read Jane Eyre and other works by the Brontë sisters, but no self respecting and motivated straight boy has had as few sexual encounters as The Intellectual. This nerdy teenager is socially awkward and all thumbs. Even if presented with an opportunity to “get some” this boy would over think the entire situation, weighing pros and cons, questioning and re-questioning their sexual orientation while pondering their curfew and current academic goals. This over thinking process does not only occur when The Intellectual is presented with sex, they also over think social situations that involve the 5 Ds of high school: drinking, dating, dances, drug use and driving recklessly.

The Sista'

The strong, black, ghetto queen, trapped in the body of a high school teenage boy. He is often surrounded by his posse of fat white girls that wear dark wash jeans and black hoodies. These girls do not think they are “sistas from the ghetto,” but they love having their Proud Sista Mary around. The Sista is never to be shown any for of affection. Like a lost puppy, when shown any attention (or given food) The Sista will fall in love. You’re name will be the word on Ms. Thing’s lips, as he talks about the one he loves. They will faun over your ever attribute and learn to love your flaws, even the major flaw that you do not find them attractive. The Sista, however will eventually come to their senses and revert to the strong, powerful and independent black woman they think they are.

The Queen

The Queen is the most feared of the high school queers. The queen came out early and knows what they want. Though seldom attractive or holding any qualities seen as redeeming outside of whatever clique happens to adopt them, The Queen is better then you, and given the opportunity-will tell you why. The Queen has seven senses. Sight, Sound, Sent, Taste, Touch, Gaydar and Weakness. Weakness is a sense unique to The Queen. Within a fraction of a second The Queen knows at least one of your flaws, they will then pick away at it, chiseling down to insecurity. By the time you’ve built up enough strength to retaliate, in a fit of rage you’ll most likely point out that they’re gay. This ends one of two ways. They will begin to scream and tear into you in a way best described as “big tranny mess up in hur” picking away at previously mentioned flaws and without a doubt making up some. If they deny this, the line “I’m gay? Bitch-you gay,” will be used, then screaming, tearing into you in a way best described as a “big tranny mess up in hur,” picking away at your flaws, making up a few and conjecturing that they have slept with some female relative of yours.

The Pros and Cons of Faggotry

Being gay and in high school, while making you the target of harassment by closeted and self loathing homosexuals, does have its advantages. On average homosexuals have their first sexual experiences much earlier in life. First kisses showing up around the age of 9, hand jobs in the 6th grade, falatio as an awkward sevie and rounding home before the freshman year is over. Along with this confusing sexual exploration is the ESP like ability given to queers. This sixth sense is so named “gaydar” which allows the user to know when someone near them is a homosexual. Not everyone’s Gaydar is entirely accurate. For some it is the equivalent of a colorblind (gay) monkey throwing darts into a crowd hoping to find the one red-headed queer present. Some have a perfectly tuned and almost scary clairvoyant gaydar that can even decode summer camp stories by looking at the queer in question. Along with a general instinct several things are looked for.
Hygiene. The high school queer is often more hygienically aware then their straight classmates. Stereotypically they have nice and well kept hair, well controlled eyebrows and clean, tidy, and sometimes even manicured fingernails.
Posture. The High school Queer often walks “funny.” Not funny in the same way a dog trained to walk on its hind legs walks, but funny in the way that a man trying to walk like a woman trying to walk like a man is funny. The high school queer often walks with more awareness of their limps, whether this is good or bad depends entirely on the individual. Some develop a model like walk and others could be described as “floating around.”
Voice. A tried and true sign of queerness, the voice can give away more about a person that what is said with it.
It should also be understood that queers are like spiders. For every one that you see, there are 10 you don’t.
One should also understand that Closet-Queer and Mega-Queer are roles, not archetypes. The high school queer cannot be simply labeled the “flamer” they fit into one of the flowing archetypes.